Many times, the qualities in your partner that attracted you in the beginning can morph into an irritating difference between you two…
…or turns out is compensating for a deeper story than you knew on the surface. In couples therapy, a common place partners find themselves is somewhere on the spectrum of “I love you, don’t touch me!” and “I hate you, where do think you’re going?” This back and forth means the way we protect ourselves is at odds with the ways we want to be loved, leaving battle scars in its wake.
Couples who state they’d like to work on ‘communication issues’ send a signal that “I know we’re talking past each other, but I can’t understand why you won’t just hear me out. I’m completely worn out I’m not getting my point across. I am sick and tired of being this misunderstood.” The goal of couples therapy is not to just quit fighting. The goal is to learn to cope with differences and talk through them better – that is where intimacy is experienced. By doing so, you can have more trust and safety, see each other more clearly, and go back to a place of connection.
For me, therapy with couples is enlivening and rich. I’m totally in it with each partner as they move through their stuck parts to a new level of awareness and appreciation they didn’t know was possible. I point the ways each partner is contributing to the problem, and help them lean into the care they have for each other.
I welcome all gender and sexual identities as well as different monogamy boundaries. Many of my couple therapy clients have one or both partners who are LGBTQIA+ identified. I hold a non-biased, sex-affirming approach in couples work as part of the health of any relationship. Couple clients are recommended to have 80 minute sessions. I also work with cross-cultural couples.
If you’re stuck living out the same old conflicts and you’re scared of losing touch with your partner, I’m here to help. Contact me to book a free consultation.
Deva is a psychotherapist practicing in the downtown Financial District of San Francisco, CA (LMFT #103816). She has worked with clients aged 6 to 88 in different settings since 2011. These days, she helps individuals and couples get more in tune with their wants and needs. She has a special focus on sexuality and folks of mixed ethnic or racial backgrounds.
She slightly prefers pie over cake, but loves dogs and cats equally.