You know you have a problem when you keep breaking promises to stop or cut back.
There is no “right” amount of sex. Yet people reach out to me for help for sex addiction when when sexual behaviors start to negatively impact their lives.
When someone is frustrated and confused about how to change, deep shame can creep in about how things have gotten to this point. Sex is likely getting in the way of other responsibilities or goes against their own values. They’ve screwed up again in their relationship or keep breaking promises to themselves. There’s always plans to turn over a new leaf, but inevitably change is harder than it seems.
Out-of-control sexual behavior (OCSB) refers to when one’s sexual urges or actions feel uncontrollable to themselves. People with OCSB may also struggle with other mental health issues like anxiety, depression, trauma, or other compulsive/impulsive behaviors.
OCSB is treatable, and therapy can help you reclaim a sex life that makes sense and supports your emotional well-being.
When someone is frustrated and confused about how to change, deep shame can creep in about how things have gotten to this point. Sex is likely getting in the way of other responsibilities or goes against their own values. They’ve screwed up again in their relationship or keep breaking promises to themselves. There’s always plans to turn over a new leaf, but inevitably change is harder than it seems.
Out-of-control sexual behavior (OCSB) refers to when one’s sexual urges or actions feel uncontrollable to themselves. People with OCSB may also struggle with other mental health issues like anxiety, depression, trauma, or other compulsive/impulsive behaviors.
OCSB is treatable, and therapy can help you reclaim a sex life that makes sense and supports your emotional well-being.
AM I A SEX ADDICT?
If you think sex is becoming hard to control and get a handle on, seeking professional help is a smart step. I work with clients who identify as sex addicts, and how you choose to define your challenges is entirely up to you. That said, as a trained sexuality specialist, I find the “sex addiction” label can be a bit tricky.
The terms “sex addiction,” “love addiction,” and “porn addiction” are often used by the public and some professionals to describe compulsive sexual behaviors.
Here’s the issue – there’s no clear agreement on how much sex is too much or which types are considered better than others. It may surprise some, but there’s no formal diagnosis of “sex addiction” that any health professional can provide. Sex addiction is a social and cultural concept rather than a medically recognized condition. While abstinence-based approaches or 12-step models can help some people manage out-of-control sexual behavior, they might not work for everyone and, in some cases, can make things worse.
If you have regrets or feel like you’ve made some mistakes with sex, that alone does not mean something is wrong with you. While sex addiction can help to explain what does feel out of control, for some, it suggests that their sexuality is inherently problematic and will always be that way. This may not fully reflect what’s going on beneath the surface without further exploration.
If you have regrets or feel like you’ve made some mistakes with sex, that alone does not mean something is wrong with you. While sex addiction can help to explain what does feel out of control, for some, it suggests that their sexuality is inherently problematic and will always be that way. This may not fully reflect what’s going on beneath the surface without further exploration.
No matter how you label it, treatment for out-of-control sexual behaviors doesn’t mean “anything goes.” The reality is some sexual habits can cause real harm to yourself or those around you. Broken promises, lies, stress, guilt, secrecy, and isolation can take over.
You’re looking for help and solutions.
You’re looking for help and solutions.
Signs of being out of control sexually
So often, there’s a real longing to feel more in control of life, but also a frustration that lasting change keeps slipping out of reach. Stress, old patterns, or relationship struggles can easily get in the way of even the best attempts to grow and feel better.
Each person’s problematic sex looks different. It can look like more sex partners, porn watching, or masturbation than you think is healthy; spending more money on sex than you want; ongoing infidelity or broken relationship agreements due to sex; or engaging in risky activities that jeopardize your safety and health. Whatever the case, there is a real need to address what is happening and get to the root causes.
Each person’s problematic sex looks different. It can look like more sex partners, porn watching, or masturbation than you think is healthy; spending more money on sex than you want; ongoing infidelity or broken relationship agreements due to sex; or engaging in risky activities that jeopardize your safety and health. Whatever the case, there is a real need to address what is happening and get to the root causes.
People with OCSB may do things like:
- Spend hours searching for sex partners, using chat rooms, sexting, or watching pornography
- Prioritize sexual activity over work, friends, responsibilities, or relationships
- Regularly pay for sex or go to strip clubs
- Cheat on their partner or spouse
- Make rash decisions about sex
- Fixate on certain types of fetishes or types of sex
- Find themselves in sexual situations that could escalate to arrest or lead to violence
- Combine drugs or alcohol with sex
- Ignore safer sex habits, like condoms or birth control
- Struggle to pay bills because of purchases related to sex
People struggling with OCSB may relate to:
- Trying to stop or change what they’re doing, but being unable to do so for very long
- Hiding, downplaying, or lying about what’s going on to others
- Feel ashamed they are failing themselves or others
- Isolating because of their secrets
- Cycles of getting a rush from sex and then a crash of guilt
- Worry their sexual habits go against their values or religion
- Uncertainty about what or how to change their sex life
- Turning to sex in times of stress
- Relationship instability and drama due to impulsive or compulsive behaviors
Many people struggle with OCSB symptoms, and they need a competent, compassionate professional to support changing their relationship to sex.
Treating Out-of-Control Sexual Behavior
If you’re ready to make your sex life more manageable and aligned with your needs, I’m here to help. I follow a holistic treatment approach to address problematic sex endorsed by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT), the leading certifying body for sexuality professionals.
- Step 1: ASSESS We'll find out what you think is going wrong in your sex life and where the breakdown is occurring. We track your cycles and see where you are most impacted with negative consequences.
- Step 2: IDENTIFY We explore underlying factors that contribute–relationship history, trauma, substance use, and other challenges that make change difficult. You often get a better understanding of your problems during this time.
- Step 3: IMPLEMENT After identifying obstacles, we take stock of your needs and beliefs to create a navigable, concrete plan to empower you to get to a healthier place with sex.
We apply Six Principles of Sexual Health to guide your endgame.
Consent:
Understanding what consent looks like and who can give consent is the foundational step in treating any sexual issue or behavior. If identifying this boundary is difficult for you, let’s delve into what that looks like or connect you with appropriate professionals.
Non-exploitation:
Partners should consider impacts and risks of power differences when having consensual sex. In some cases people struggling with OCSB have histories of being exploited sexually themselves, and they may need support around this.
Honesty:
Clear and direct communication maintains sexual well-being. If this is a problem for you in sex and relationships, together we can work on what might affect your ability to be honest with yourself or others about your desires or intentions.
Shared values:
Culture, gender, religion, and societal roles all play a key part in shaping sexual values. Therapy provides a safe place to explore and gain clarity on how these factors play into your sexuality over time and if they align with your partners’ values.
Protection for health and safety:
Safe(r) sex is important for both your and your partner’s physical well-being and sexual health. We will review best practices and talk about your relationship to risk in this area.
Mutual pleasure:
Pleasure is the leading motivation for sex. We examine your desires and fantasies more in depth, and talk about if and your partners are having the experiences you both want.
Do you treat all problematic sexual issues?
No, not all of them. I work with clients who have consenting sexual partners of legal age. If you’re seeking help with non-consensual behaviors, I am not the best therapist for you. However, I can refer you to other professionals if needed. If you’re unsure about where you stand or are currently involved in the legal system due to sexual issues, feel free to schedule a consultation to discuss your situation in more detail.
Out of control sex does not get better on it's own.
You get to reclaim your sex life.
People struggling with out-of-control sexual behavior often feel ashamed and don’t know how to break free of repetitive cycles. Like any compulsive behavior, it’s essential to have support throughout the process. In therapy with me, we’ll work together to find practical, ethical solutions that align with your life and bring balance to your sexuality, focusing on both pleasure and sexual health.
As a certified sex therapist, I’m here to offer guidance and actionable steps toward recovery. Things can get better, and you don’t have to do all this alone. Contact me today to schedule a free consultation.
I see clients in my office in San Francisco, California. I welcome all genders, sexual identities, and different relational and monogamy agreements. I am a sex worker ally and have advanced competency in kink practices. Many of my clients are LGBTQIA+ identified. Matching my own background, I often work with people of mixed ethnic and cultural identities, first and second-generation immigrants, and BIPOC clients. Come as you are.
As a certified sex therapist, I’m here to offer guidance and actionable steps toward recovery. Things can get better, and you don’t have to do all this alone. Contact me today to schedule a free consultation.
I see clients in my office in San Francisco, California. I welcome all genders, sexual identities, and different relational and monogamy agreements. I am a sex worker ally and have advanced competency in kink practices. Many of my clients are LGBTQIA+ identified. Matching my own background, I often work with people of mixed ethnic and cultural identities, first and second-generation immigrants, and BIPOC clients. Come as you are.